Saturday, July 31, 2010

What keeps me up at night

I have the biggest difficulty trying to get to sleep every night. Whenever I decide that it’s time for me to go to sleep, regardless if I’m incredibly exhausted or not, the minute I get into bed, my mind goes haywire. I hate the quiet and I DESPISE the dark. It’s not so much a fear of the dark as it is the complete stillness and my inability to see anything. I don’t like the unknown. I know there are no monsters in my closet or under my bed, but if I don’t have something to look at/read/listen to and so on to really tire me out, I am unable to stop my mind from racing. There always seems to be something for me to think about or analyze or worry about, and it’s that ridiculous problem that keeps me up. Every night.
There’s not a night that I don’t put the TV on in order to get a little sleepier. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a girl that I can’t stop thinking, but it’s incredibly annoying. AND if I don’t have any background noise, any small sound will set me off again. I’m weird.
…time to try to sleep, again.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

You're the reason I'm so set on the rest of my life

Already I can’t keep up with this goal I’ve set for myself about blogging. I’ll just do it when I do it and have the time, I guess! Because who knows what my schedule will be like this upcoming semester? I’m hoping I’ll be able to handle my packed class schedule and have time for church and any small group I might join this year, along with Ambassador requirements and activities, social activities, and somehow fitting time in to come home to Vegas every now and then…
But anyway. What’s my topic for today? I think I’ll blog about my future.
So it seems for the three years since I’ve been in college, I have always been worried about what I’ll actually end up doing with my life. For three years I have been scared stiff of my future, and going out into the real world after graduation comes. I still have pretty much no idea what I want to do immediately after I graduate, but here is my list of options that I am currently mulling over and praying about:
Nicole’s List of Scary Future Possibilities
  1. Go on a mission somewhere. I have always loved the idea of becoming a full time missionary once I was finished with school. There’s something about going out into the world and devoting every second to my Heavenly Father that excites me. I am not quite sure of when that would be, but I KNOW that at some point in my life, I will travel somewhere new and do God’s work.
  2. Start teaching right away. Since my degree will be in Elementary Education, it’s pretty much a no-brainer that I will be a teacher at some point in the near future. It really depends on the state of the economy when I graduate whether I’ll be able to get a teaching position right away or not. I’m not exactly sure if confining myself to a classroom after [sometimes] suffering through 17 years of school is something I’d want to do right away. Moving on.
  3. Get a Master’s degree. This will happen at some point in my life, but I’m not sure if I want to tackle the big Ma right away. Yes, I’ll get paid more as a teacher if my master’s focus is something in the field of education, but I’m not sure if that’s what I want to do. I don’t know where I’ll want to get said Master’s degree. I’ve been obsessing about Tennessee for a long time now, and Alicia brought up the topic of Vanderbilt University the other day. Vanderbilt just happens to be located in Nashville, one of the top three places where I eventually want to move. I don’t know if this could be some random coincidence or if it’s meant for me to go there, but if it is, I have a LOT of preparing to do. Or I could just stay in Las Vegas and get my degree at UNLV. I shudder at the thought. It’s hard to think about coming back to that school after deciding to transfer to UNR to get away from that place.
  4. Go jobless and mooch off parents for rest of life. Okay, so this isn’t really an option. ;]
So there are quite a few options for me [some more possible than others] but I know it really isn’t up to me. Jeremiah 29:11. I’ve got this incredible, loving, Heavenly Father that’s got His plans for my future under control. Relax, Nicole. So I guess I’ll just have to sit back and see what my future holds.

Friday, July 16, 2010

I'm tripping on hurdles running after you

So I’m not sure if I’m really meant to be a blogger. I’ve tried and I’ve tried for years and years and I just don’t know if I have what it takes. It’s probably that my life isn’t interesting enough to even write about online, or maybe because I just don’t think that anyone will get anything out of reading my blog, but whatever the case, I’m going to try. Again.
It’s been a year since I’ve posted on this particular blog and I think I’m going to use just this one from now on because I like the layout so much better. I’m going to try my very hardest to keep up with this for real this time, because I like to write and I think that constantly writing will help me become a better writer. Hopefully.
But anyway. My year in one word: Messy.
I don’t know exactly how I managed to get to this point, but I’m glad to finally have made it to where I am. There have been a few ridiculous decisions made in the past year, but I have gotten past them and I am back on track. I realized that I really shouldn’t worry about others’ opinions of me. I’ve been focusing far too much of my energy on pleasing people and that’s not what I’m supposed to be doing. I am piecing my disheveled life back together again and following the path that I have been chosen to follow. It’s not like I’ve been doing drugs or selling myself on the street, but I let my priorities really change over the past year, and I’m realizing that it wasn’t exactly the best thing for me. I’m being incredibly vague and I apologize but this really is just me ranting to myself about how stupid I’ve been over the past year and I can’t believe I can count the times that I went to church in Reno in the past two semesters on one hand. That’s my main problem. But I am back now. For real!
So now that I’ve gotten my rants on my year of regretful decisions out of the way, I’ll just quickly summarize my week thus far: DENTIST.
I’m sure my posts from here on out will be a little more exciting than what I’m writing about today, but I just have to put this down so I remember it years from now and so that I will realize that taking good care of my teeth is a REALLY GREAT IDEA. Three days straight at the dentist does not a happy Nicole make. I’m fine, I survived, but my teeth have been thoroughly drilled and filled and scraped and prodded and separated and put back together and I’m so immensely grateful that it’s over with. With the exception of the parting with my wisdom teeth this coming Monday. Oy.
My summer so far has definitely been a different experience compared to summers past. I went to Germany this summer for the first time in three years, and I can’t believe how much older all of my family is. It’s weird when I don’t get to visit family much, it’s like I expected them not to age while I was away. I had a great, relaxing time and I ate very well! I also got to experience the World Cup in a way that has made me fall in love with soccer. It’s a great sport and I’m glad I got to experience it the German way. :] I also went to Amsterdam and Paris while I was overseas and my life has been forever changed. That might be somewhat of an overstatement but Amsterdam is now one of my very favorite places in the world. So beautiful, so historic, so watery. :]
Since I’ve been back I haven’t done much but spend a whole lot of time at the Coffee Bean [thanks for that, Leish] and read and watch Harry Potter nonstop. Though I haven’t really accomplished much [aside from giving my teeth 4 years' worth of dental attention] I feel incredibly at ease. This is largely because of the time I spend at church, and reading non-secular books, which has really been changing the way I think lately. I’ve been on a “self-renovation” kick and it feels good. I really ought to consider changing more things while I’m at it, starting with this blog. I think I have to have a deadline for myself when it comes to this or else I’ll never write anything, ever. So I’ll try for at least once a week, even if it’s about something stupid or just a random thought. Because, let’s face it, it’s not guaranteed that something worth writing about is going to happen to me EVERY week.
Okay, so I feel like this is a good enough start to a blog that is DEFINITELY not going to go on hiatus anymore. Promise! :]